Twisted
by Hinano Kinsuke
Summary: [GouenjixReaderxFubuki] He is pulling her deeper into his twisted game. All she wants is to live and die by his side; is it that hard? [DISCONTINUED]
1. Sky's Tears

**Prologue**

**Sky's Tears**

* * *

Flowers scattered on the freshly dug soil; they smelled like the rain. The smell that brought back memories of watching tiny droplets lit by sunlight dropped out of nowhere onto the sinful Earth. Mom said, the sky cried. The sky cried because men squandered Time, God's greatest creation. Mom said Time knows one's birth and death, a sole witness of goodwill and sins. Time is of essence, yet is forgotten and betrayed.

Mom… Who is Time? I've betrayed him. He gave me so many chances to tell you how much I love you, yet I squandered his will and paid your love with ignorance instead. Will I ever meet him? I'll kneel before him and ask him to stop the tape, rewind, and stop it again. I…

I want to live with you. I want to live with you in a place where clocks do not exist, and if they do, they do not tick, so I won't grow up in fear of losing you again.

Ripples formed on the puddle's surface — though I was not sure if they came from the sky's teardrops or simply mine. I didn't think I'd need an umbrella. Standing in the rain, getting bothered by the cold, was the only way to atone for my sins. 'Come in, honey, or you'll catch a cold'. That's what you'd say if you're still here, right? _It's okay, Mom. Just for this once, I'll cry with the sky._

It was a dark and gloomy day; the sad-looking trees, the cries of the wind, the mournful gravestones… I had nothing to say to them, but a beautiful lady died. The crowd clad in black drew further from the churchyard, leaving only traces of their footsteps and the soft outlines of their tears on the damp soil. It was so cold I could see the cloudlike puffs came out of my mouth as I breathed.

_ No, I do not need your sympathy. _

I hugged my body tightly, shuffling my feet on the ground, as I turned around to the wrought iron gate. No one was to be seen hanging around the churchyard except for a boy who was standing a few meters from my mother's gravestone, a bouquet of beautiful flowers in his arms.

The same boy who showed up when mother struggled with Death on her sickbed. The same boy that I thought was my distant relative, but was later told by my father that he was no one closer than a son of my mother's best friend.

Her best friend? I didn't know that she had a best friend… because I was so busy with my own world, doing things I like, doing things my way… that I didn't know the things she liked to do, the way she did things. What kind of a daughter am I? An ungrateful one, indeed.

I looked at the boy, whose name I wasn't told. I could see a tiny teardrop falling out of one of his sad, dark eyes, despite the fact that he was standing in the pouring rain. I didn't know exactly how I could tell them apart, but…

"Why are you crying, boy?" I asked, slinging a strand of my soaked hair behind my earlobe. I realized that my voice sounded rougher than how it usually came out. "It isn't very manly of you to cry over some other person's death."

He knelt down to the ground, paying no heed to the mud that soiled his black pants. He bowed his head low, muttering a line of prayers under his breath as he placed the flowers on mother's grave.

_If roses grow in heaven,  
Lord please pick a bunch for me,  
Place them in my Mother's arms  
and tell her they're from me._

I stood by and watched as the boy shuddered from the failure of holding back his misery, though the meaning behind those tears glinting somberly in the faint light from the hardly visible Sun was far beyond my understanding.

His sobs grew harder and harder as time progressed; I could almost feel his pain being channeled to my permeable soul. I was the one to face a great loss, but seeing another person crying out his eyes for the same reason somehow lighten the burden of sadness that I had to carry… It felt as if he shared the pain I was having. No, _we_ shared the pain that _we_ were having.

I wrapped my arms tightly around his torso, resting my head against his backbone.

We stayed like that for a while, however, still, no words were uttered to break the silence. All we could hear was the sound of the rain pelting on Earth's surface. Sad, however, _calming_.

I couldn't remember how we finally got back home, eventually comforting ourselves with each other's company. Whatever it was that God had planned, scheduling the spiky-haired boy to meet me with such bad timing... I was sure that it was the official start of something new between me, and the boy, who, like the sky, cried over something they actually shouldn't feel sad about. They cried for sinners… Sinners who squandered Time's will.


	2. Deep

**One**

**Deep**

* * *

_Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there; I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow,  
I am the diamond glints on snow,  
I am the sun on ripened grain,  
I am the gentle autumn rain._

A gust of chilly, early winter wind blew through the unclosed window of my bedchamber, urging me to pull my quilt over my head and forget all about the agonizing pains of living. I wasn't fully awake, I wasn't fully asleep; I was stuck in the middle of my own thoughts — what does it feels like to die?

It'd been almost half of the year since mother gave up the ghost. If only I could send her a letter asking how she was doing down there, without a bedcover or quilt on wintry days like today? The red roses on top of the end table reminded me a lot of her — their scents, their bright color — they were just like her in many ways.

I stood up from my bed, stretching my bodies with all my might. I hadn't visited mother's grave for quite a while now… _Maybe I should see her today, since I have nothing in particular to do—nothing in particular to do? _Was that right? It felt like I had something of greater importance than anything else, but I couldn't remember exactly what it was.

Come on! What could that important thing be? _Come on, come on, come on… Come on, head!_

**Knock! Knock!**

_Come on—now what?_

I took a glance at the door and saw my father, smiling as brightly as summer Sun. He looked handsome in his white tuxedo — which greatly showed the charismatic side of him.

"Morning," he said. "(Name), aren't you dressed up yet? We're going to be late for the wedding day."

I frowned. Was this the important thing that I had to do? Should I really choose to go for some wedding reception over visiting my mother's grave?

"Do I have to come along?" I asked him. "I was just getting ready to see Mom."

Father's eyebrows dropped as he heard me. For some reason, he didn't like it when I said I was getting ready to see the woman of his life — his wife… or used to be, anyway.

"(Name)—this wedding ceremony is quite important," he said urgently. "Hey. We can see her later, okay?"

I casually nodded my head and pulled a strapless gown with flares, which suddenly brought me back to my memories of my mother, who bought it for me on my 15th birthday — the last birthday I've never thought I'd get to celebrate with her.

I sighed as I preened myself by the large mirror. My diminutive figures resemble a lot like my mother's, and she was indeed, a very beautiful woman. Just like how boys who passed by gave me double-takes, that was how, my father once told me, boys went crazy over her.

I guess… Mother didn't die. She lived. She really lived — and she lived inside me.

* * *

_When you awaken in the morning's hush  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circling flight.  
I am the soft starlight at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry,  
I am not there; I did not die._

We reached a chapel, not too far from our home. I supposed one of my distant relatives was the one to get married, because the faces I saw there were mostly of my uncles, aunts, cousins and fellow acquaintances.

I took a seat on the bench, next to the spiky-haired boy Gouenji. I smiled to him, but oddly, instead of smiling too, he gave me a weird glance. It wasn't only him, though. Almost everyone—everyone in the hall—they gave me that kind of glances as I walked in through the big door.

_Does my brassiere pop out of my dress or something? _

Everything didn't seem right! The wedding ceremony was about to start—and I saw father rushing to the aisle.

_What does he think he's doing? Whatever it may be—I hope it's not something embarrassing. _

While I prayed to God that he wouldn't, the organ started to play a song that — like Taylor Swift said in one of her songs — sounded like a death march. The bride, led by an older man's arm (who I supposed was her father), walked down the aisle elegantly in her heavy accessorized wedding dress.

Wait. Just wait a second.

My father was standing in the end of the aisle, just before the bearded, robed preacher. _Does this mean…?_

I was… I was attending my own father's wedding day, and I didn't even know anything about it?!

I started to get cold sweat — my heart hammered against my chest. I… I've never known that father had a woman other than mother in his life before! Father's voice rang inside my head again and again… _"We can see her later… We can see her later… We can see her later… Okay?"_

Was that woman… The 'her' that he meant?!

Tears stung my eyes; they blurred my sight but — it didn't matter. I… I liked it that way. I didn't want to see — or hear them saying vows, swearing an oath to live together until death had to separate them — separate them?

Until death had to separate them…

My chest felt tight; I could hardly breathe. I wasn't old enough to die of heart attack, but wasn't too young to die of heartbreak. I heard a girl sobbing in the corner, but my eyes were blinded by tears to see who she was.

Did the girl feel the way I felt? Lost in a place and there was no way to escape? Betrayed by the only person she had in the family? Or was she…

It took some time for me to realize that the sobbing girl — was me.

Gouenji pulled me into a warm and tight embrace.

"Storms make trees take deeper roots," he whispered. "Forgive them; even when they're not sorry."

_Mark his words… Storms make trees take deeper roots._


	3. Self-centeredness

**Two**

**Self-centeredness**

* * *

I flinched as I saw her extinguishing the fire in mother's frying pan. Up until now, I refused to call it _her_ frying pan, though she had been part of our household for quite a while now. What was the woman thinking, though? I've never seen someone so dense to almost burn the house while frying chicken eggs.

She let out a sigh of relief as the fire died. "Thank God. I've put it out."

What's the big deal? You sure could put out the fire on mother's frying pan — but you couldn't — in any way at all — put out the fire in my heart. You could go to the end of the world, spit and hope to be forgiven, but hey…

There was no way in hell I would.

Now, woman, how do you suppose should I eat my breakfast?

"I'm going," I said hatefully, leaving her alone in the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, (Name)," she said, reaching for her car keys on the table. "I'll send you to school."

I looked at her from the edge of my eyes; I noticed how low she held her head, how teary were her round eyes, and how unbearable her misery was — but I didn't care. There was no way on Earth I would. After all, she could consider it as a retribution for her own selfishness.

I made my way to the front door and pulled it opened. Like how I had anticipated, Gouenji was standing there —larger than life.

"Oh. Gouenji," Kaede said. "Come on. I'll send both of you to school—"

I rolled my eyes. I was so not in the mood to see her putting on that oh-so-innocent, oh-so-kind act. Gouenji smiled at her, probably to say thanks, but I pulled him by his arm and led him to the streets, leaving Kaede behind in complete bewilderment.

"(Name)!" I heard her called, but I didn't turn back. If I decided that I would hate her, then I would hate her for the rest of my life. I couldn't be possibly fooled by a two-faced woman like her! I kept my resolution — and nothing would be able to change it. Ever.

I quickened my pace; wanting to draw myself as furthest as I could be from my stepmother — did I just say 'stepmother'? Oh, never mind. Just pretend that I've never said that word.

"(Name)," Gouenji said. "Kaede—she's your stepmother."

As a reply, I shot him a 'yeah-I-know-that' look.

"A stepmother is more than just a mother," he said, looking up at the sky. "She had decided to love when she doesn't even have to."

"Oh yeah," I nodded my head, smiling sarcastically. "She does. She does love me — because father is around. If he isn't—"

"If I ever have a daughter," he said, cutting in. "Please remind me not to expose her to fairytales."

I pursed my lips. "What does fairytales have to do with my issue?"

"A stepmother does not always share the same traits with Cinderella's stepmother, or Snow White's, or Sleeping Beauty's," he said to the air. "Fairytales tend to give people the wrong impression on stepmothers."

"Are you saying that I'm overexposed to fairytales?" I asked, gritting my teeth. He was really getting on my nerve, that Gouenji!

"Possibly," he said briskly, digging both of his hands in his pockets.

"Gouenji," I took a very deep breath, as I mustered the only patience left in my soul. "She totally deserves it. This is what she gets for being so self-centered."

"So you think she's being self-centered… But look who's talking."

He walked away, leaving me dead in my pace. Look who's talking? Why was Gouenji always on Kaede's side? Looks like Kaede's spell worked on him, too!

"Look who's talking?" I yelled at him. "The one who deserves justice!"

I felt tears stung my eyes. Why hadn't anyone save me from my endless despair? Why would everyone throw me deeper into the pit of darkness, instead of lending me their hands to pull me out of the sinister shadows? I wasn't being selfish — I was left, betrayed, pressured!

"Gouenji!" I yelled, but he was nowhere in my sight. I fell to my knees and cried.

I hated him.

If I decided to hate him, then I will hate him for the rest of my life.

* * *

The recess bell rang, and kids streamed out of their classes with happy faces — finally, a break from boring lectures and tortures of writing. I staggered myself out of my homeroom, regretting like hell for arguing with Gouenji earlier in the morning. If I hadn't, he'd probably wait for me outside of the homeroom, and we could share our lunches together over a cheerful conversation, usually about our future.

I will sit by and listen as he pranced about being the legendary striker of his soccer team, and he would do the same as I told him about my dreams of being an authoress… _and his wife. _

No, I didn't tell him that I wanted to be his wife — but I was planning to, in future. I felt pain in my chest as my eyes forced out the tears I've held in since the class started — and they came out like rain, although, completely against my will. I wasn't strong enough to face my problems alone.

"Fubuki!"

I heard his voice in distant. I looked at the school field and saw him passing the ball to his friend, encouraging him to break through Endou's catch hissatsu.

"Gouenji!" I said, walking towards the field, but then stopped dead in my pace as he looked at me.

He then turned away, gesturing Endou to return the ball to him.

Was this a dream, or… Did Gouenji just ignore me?

"Gouenji," I heard Fubuki said as he saw me. "I think (Name) wants to see you."

"No, she doesn't," he said to his grey-haired friend. "She was just thinking a way to get rid of her self-centeredness."

"Huh? Did you guys fight or something?"

Gouenji shook his head and kicked the ball towards the goal-post as he warned Endou that he was going to shoot the ball with Fire Tornado.

I clenched my fist tightly. I wasn't expecting Gouenji to act so cold… Just because we argued about Kaede. Did Kaede come into my world as a trigger to break my relationship with the people I love?


	4. 2:43 AM

**Three**

**2:43 A.M.**

* * *

Father forked the remaining bits of the roasted chicken and popped them into his mouth. "Yummy," he said, breaking the silence that filled the heavy atmosphere, but no one seemed to be lightened up. Kaede smiled dryly as she looked at father, who was pretending to enjoy the horrible dinner she cooked for us. If only I had the guts, I would blurt out something horribly nasty like 'learn to cook, woman!'

Although, well, that's not really it. I had the guts to, but I wasn't in the mood to harass anybody, since I had a fight with Gouenji a few days ago, and we hadn't talked to each other since. I had to admit that I really hated walking to school alone (though Kaede offered to drive me there), eating lunch alone, going back home alone, and do everything alone.

I didn't know how long it would take until we could finally make up. Or _kiss and make up, _I hope.

"(Name)," father called, snapping me back to reality. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"Don't feel like eating," I answered briskly.

Silence filled the spaces between the three of us again, like barriers preventing us from speaking to each other. I was glad we hadn't much to talk about, though. Like I said, I wasn't in the mood for anything in particular.

**Knock. Knock. Knock.**

Father turned his head to the front door and gestured Kaede to get it.

"Now, who could that be," Kaede said.

"Must be the pizza man," I told her sarcastically.

She looked at me in disappointment, realizing that I was making fun of her cooking, but heaven knows how terrible it was. I really wanted to call a pizza man over, but… Well, I didn't want to bring up another issue since I've already got two big ones to deal with.

I yawned and stretched my whole body as I stood up from my chair. "Had a long day… So I'm gonna crash now. Night."

"Sweet dreams," father said, and I kissed his cheek.

I walked up to my room, jumped onto my comfy bed and pulled the quilt over my head. Before I knew it myself, I was drifted into a deeper sleep by a sweet dream — where I was a butterfly fluttering in midair, enjoying the buds of vivid-colored flowers that spring could offer.

* * *

If only spring could last longer… but I was awakened by the rustling sound made by the trees outside as they got blown by the rough wind. Heavy autumn rain beat the roof like torrents of gunshots — unlike the pleasant weather in my dream — the air I was breathing in was freezing cold. I took a glance at the digital clock placed on my bedside table — it showed me the numerals 2:43 A.M.

"Why on Earth do I have to wake up at this hour?" I yelled to myself and sighed heavily.

"Hmm…" a voice hummed.

Was I imagining it… Or did I just hear someone moaning? I could feel weight on the left side of my queen-sized bed… Could it be father?

I slowly looked over my shoulder — someone was inside the quilt; I couldn't make out who it was. With my hands shaking and sweating like hell — I pulled the quilt off whoever it was sleeping inside it.

"G—Gouenji!" I shrieked in surprise as I saw him, heat crept up my face at the thought of having him in bed.

He slightly opened his eyes, half-awakened by my sudden exclamation. "(Name)…?"

I looked at the sleepy boy beside me and smiled to myself. _The sound of boys' voices when they're sleepy is probably the sexiest thing in the world... _

He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head right under my jaw — I could feel his warm breath brushing against my chest. I realized that he hadn't had his shirt on and I couldn't help but to blush at the sight of him.

"Gouenji…" I whispered as I stroke his spiky hair gently. "Why aren't you wearing your shirt? You'll catch cold."

"And why aren't you?" he asked sleepily, seeming that I was hardly dressed in anything except for my see-through shortie nightgown.

"This is just the way I sleep," I told him, blushing hard. "You shouldn't just barge into a girl's room—"

"Shhh," he said, silencing me with a finger on my lips. "I've got something important to tell you."

"It can wait," I said, turning on the bedside lamp. _So the pizza man was actually him... If only I knew._

"It can't," he said and pressed his lips against mine.

I was really caught off guard, with him coming into my room while I was soundly sleeping, with him seeing me when I had nothing on but an extremely revealing nightgown, with him suddenly kissing me when I wasn't at all ready for it... They happened so suddenly, all at once.

He then deepened the kiss as he tightened his hold of my waist. I gladly returned it — slipping my tongue in as he made a way for my entrance. Everything felt so right; the kiss and make up I'd always wanted; a kiss in the middle of a quiet, rainy night, when the atmosphere was perfect for a romantic scene.

"(Name)," he softly whispered as his lips trailed down my neck. "I think you know my feelings for you by now, do you?"

I took a deep breath and let my doubts flew away to the other galaxy. "You love me."

"I do," he said, "and I know that the same goes to you."

"Yes," I confessed.

"I've never thought I'd be able to come clean about this… but I thought I have to, as soon as possible."

"You mean, you had to…?"

"Before I can tell you why," he said, and paused for a while. "Promise me that nothing between us will change."

I rested my head on his warm chest and closed my eyes. "Nothing will change, Gouenji."

"(Name), after my high school graduation..." he said; his voice sounded shaky. "...I'll be furthering my studies in Germany."

…and my heart broke into tiny pieces.


	5. Realized

**Four**

**Realized  
**

* * *

The older boy looked at Yuuka regretfully — tears pooled in his eyes as he held his sister's small hand in his palm; squeezing it. "Take care of yourself, Yuuka," he told her and pulled her into a hug. "Do send me letters—or e-mails."

"Don't worry, big brother," Yuuka said, smiling dryly. "I will. Me and father; we both will."

I stood by and watched as they bid their farewell, not having enough courage to approach Gouenji a little bit closer. The way his father looked at me was more than enough to make my hair fall off my head in horror. I didn't have even the slightest idea why he hated Gouenji befriending me — even though his late wife used to be my mom's closest friend.

He slowly turned to me as if he had no will left to look at me, and held my face. "Don't cry. I'll come back."

I held his wrist and said, though my voice seemed to be stuck in my throat. "Nothing between us will change, Gouenji. I'll wait for you—and—" I gasped for air and against my will, I sobbed. "G—Gouenji… I want to—"

His father shot both of us a 'get-on-with-it' stare. Afraid that I might lose my words from a mixture of nervousness and depression, I focused my sight only on the boy standing before me. He looked calm, but the crook on both of his eyebrows told me that he, too, wasn't willing to be separated from me, just as much as how I didn't want to lose him.

"I want to be your wife." I whispered in his ear as he held my waist.

His eyes widened as he heard me but he seemed to easily compose himself in a very short period of time. He smiled weakly, caressing my cheek with his other hand. "You will…"

"Goodbye," I kissed the edge of his lips, before he pulled me and kissed me fully on mine. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach — I had the same feeling just like the night I found him sleeping in my bed — a memory I'll cherish forever.

"Goodbye," he said and turned away to his father, bowing his head as a sign of respect. "I'll be going."

I waved my hand as he walked away; however, he didn't even turn his head around to look at us. I guess… He didn't want his doubts to hamper his sense of judgment — especially when it's his beloved sister, Yuuka whom he was leaving. Yuuka and not me. I've always known that his sister was everything to him — and I… Perhaps I was just the runner-up.

I sighed and left. I didn't want to be questioned about anything by his father, and I didn't want to hurt myself by looking at that sad face of Yuuka.

Time envied me. He sped up when I had good time and slowed down when I was unhappy. Was this a retribution for squandering his will?

I really hated how people came into my life just to teach me how to leave _alone_.

* * *

Living without Gouenji wasn't at all, in any way, exciting. It was like you had been riding a roller coaster since he came into your life, but the roller coaster ended its service just like that. There could be no more ups and downs — instead, I'd be constantly down. Who else could take me to ride on the roller coaster, anyway? Who else could put out the fire in my heart whenever I'm displeased about my stepmother?

Stepmother, huh… He was the one to make me call Kaede, my stepmother… Or else, I'd be referring to her as 'that woman' if Gouenji hadn't given me a telling-off.

Thinking about these little things, Gouenji — I could hardly get a good night's sleep. I'll eventually be awakened by something as slightest as the drop of a pin. I would stay awake until 2:43 A.M., wondering if you were spending most of your time to think of me, just as much as I did.

I wasn't me anymore.

"(Name)," Kaede poked her head through the half-opened door of my room. "Are you okay, dear?"

I looked at her face, which I could by the help of the pale moonlight coming from the full moon outside. I wondered how she knew that I was still awake — but I was glad that she did…

"No," I told her. "I miss him."

She came into my room and sat beside me. "He'll come back, (Name)…"

"Why does he have to leave now?"

"Even if he leaves you ten years in the future, it's still the same," Kaede said, comforting me with a pat on my shoulder, "Or probably, worse…"

"Kaede," I called, resting my head on her shoulder. "Thanks…"

She hugged me and caressed the back of my head — which reminded me of both mother and Goeunji. I failed to hold back my tears, and they eventually rained down my face. Man, I was sure a crybaby… and I hated it.

I guess Kaede wasn't that bad at all. She may suck at cooking… but overall, she was a very nice lady. I guess Gouenji was true about me being overexposed to fairytales — and that there was a reason behind his departure to Germany — which was to create a very strong bond between me and Kaede.

Thanks, Gouenji. Thanks, Kaede. Both of you made me realized that once I learned to forgive everyone, the world will forgive me. Who knows? Time will smile upon me — and when that day finally comes, I'll be the happiest woman in the world.


	6. Lost and Found

**Five**

**Lost and Found**

* * *

Strips of confetti flew in the air, guests clapped and cheered as they urged me to blow two big candles and three small ones on the Cream Berrylicious cake. "Make a wish," they said, and I smiled as I bent down to blow the candles off.

"Happy 23rd birthday, (Name)," said Fubuki, straightening his party hat like a little boy. I couldn't deny my sight that Fubuki had grown up to be so handsome, despite the fact that he was wearing a kiddy party hat.

"Thank you, Fubuki," I said and blew the candles; closing my eyes as I made a wish. Round of applause filled the air as I cut the cake — and loud music started to play on two large stereos, echoing through the walls of the hall.

Without realizing it, guests started to dance on the floor, having fun like there was no tomorrow. Fubuki smiled sweetly as he eyed those guests before asking me: "Want to dance?"

I nodded my head and he led me to the dance floor by the hand, his hands on my waist; my arms around his neck. We swayed intimately along the dance floor. "What did you wish for?" Fubuki asked as I spun myself, and he held me as I dived myself into his arms. He was so tall I could only level with his firm chest.

"Fubuki," I said; placing my hand on his shoulder. "I have everything I've always wanted — so I wish that no one will take them away from me."

"Everything?" Fubuki asked and chuckled.

"Everything," I repeated and smiled.

Five years ago, a boy left his girl and went to Germany; however, he made a promise to his girl that nothing between them will ever change. The girl stupidly believed him and waited for the boy to return, but he never did. She composed him letters, sent him e-mail, and made phone calls… only to be replied with messages from computer systems, saying that the address and the number were no longer in service.

But then, came another boy — the boy who used to be her lover's closest friend. He came in like sunshine on a rainy day and taught the girl to respect herself — instead of lingering on the memories of the boy who doesn't deserve her. And I guess… The girl shouldn't care about going back to her lover anymore because _going back to him is like reading the same book over and over again, expecting the end to change._

"(Name)," Fubuki called, snapping me out of my thoughts. That was when I realized that he was so close to me — that I could feel his breath brushing against my cheek. "I have something to tell you."

"What is it, Fubuki?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Actually…"

"Actually?"

"I've found Gouenji Shuuya."

I looked away from his eyes; breaking his hold of my waist and sat on the stool, trying to muster my strength. I couldn't decide how to accept the news Fubuki brought — should I be happy? Should I be angry? Should I be sad? Everything seemed to be mixed up at the moment — I wanted to be alone. I wanted to think. I wanted to think deeper.

"(Name)," Fubuki called and pulled my arm. "I've found him nearly a year ago — but I didn't have the guts to tell you."

"Why?" I asked, trying to compose myself as I did. I didn't want to blow up. I didn't want to hurt Fubuki. "Why hasn't he contacted me? Why hasn't he told me that he's home?"

"I'm sorry," Fubuki said regretfully. "I've always thought that it'll be better if I just hide it from you, because I know that if you know about this… You'll hurt yourself; and you'll hurt me."

I hugged Fubuki tightly. "No… I won't—but please tell me where he is. Please let me see him, Fubuki."

Fubuki looked away from me and sighed. "Seitei—Seitei Ishido Shuuji is Gouenji Shuuya."

"He—what?"

* * *

Fubuki drove and dropped me by the large building I've already known as the headquarters of Fifth Sector — but wasn't told that Gouenji was there all these time until a few days ago. Guards by the entrance prohibited my entry, but I barged in without reasoning with them. Along my way to his office — I was stopped by men in suits, I supposed they were his lapdogs — but I paid them no heed. There were times when they used force on me — seeming that I was only a weak woman with nothing but a leather handbag to slap their faces with, but a nice, young lady who met me on the way helped me to get through.

"Wait! Stop!" she said, as the guards held my arms. She then looked at me and crossed her arms across her chest as she inspected every inch of my face. "Why do you come here, if I must know?"

"Seitei owes me," I said to her, trying to break off the guards' holds. "And I need to see him immediately."

"Fifth Sector does not owe anyone," she said. "Except for what they call _their _soccer."

"Let me go," I ordered, but the men didn't budge even an inch. "Just let me see your brother, Yuuka."

The lady flinched and widened her eyes as she heard her name slipped out of my mouth. "How do you—who are you—are you…?" She stammered and paused for a while. "Are you… (Name)? (Name)-nee?"

"That's my name," I said uninterestedly.

She took me by the arm, leaving the guards behind and started to ask me irrelevant questions like, 'why have you grown up so tall?' Her childish questions, somehow, took me to those days when I was with Gouenji. Yuuka must've been a grown-up lady now… but she sure had the same mind like the last day I met her, a few years ago.

"What happened to your hair?" I asked and she laughed.

"It runs in the family, I guess," she said and I chuckled at her answer. True enough… As far as I know, Seitei changed his hairstyles for who knows how many times now. "Well, here we are," she announced, spreading her arms wide. "Onii-chan's office."

* * *

**Don't worry. This won't be discontinued. By the way, I want to seize this opportunity to say thank you to my fellow friends in Inazuma Eleven Fandom on FFN for your constructive reviews and PMs. You guys rock! I have to say that this is why IE Fandom is different from the others. Partly, because one of IE's main theme is friendship, ne?**


	7. He Didn't Die

**Six**

**He Didn't Die**

* * *

_"There ain't no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it."  
― Kate DiCamillo_

After all these years, I finally realized how ignorant I had been. Can you even imagine, missing someone so badly you hardly get a good night's sleep? Lazing on the couch at night, watching TV to forget everything you've ever known about him — and suddenly the programs you are watching had to be put on hold, to make way for a live conference — and you mentally curse the man in red suit who stands at the podium, who babbles about Fifth Sector's Article V and Youth Soccer Act like an attorney laying out a case in a court?

And now, someone came in and tells you that the man you had been cursing is the man you've been missing so badly? Come on, I've died so many times that I lost count in the process to find him, only to be told that he's the man I've seen on TV? My tears, my voice, my efforts, and most importantly… My time! What a waste!

"(Name)-nee," Yuuka called, tapping my left shoulder. "Please wait here while I talk to him for a while."

I casually nodded my head. It was better to delay my meeting with that man at all costs, because I could really feel questions and curses assembling at the tip of my tongue, waiting to be shot like torrents of missiles. Now, Gouenji, don't blame me if I happen to pull out a dagger to stab you, because you were the one who asked for it!

"Nee-chan," Yuuka said, poking her head through the half-opened door. "You can come in at your own risk. Seitei isn't in a good mood today…"

_Who says he has a choice to be in a good mood or not? _Without further ado, I pulled the door opened as wide as possible and stepped further inside. I tried not to leap onto the throne to strangle him, as I neared him with Yuuka tailing me behind. Once I reached the end of the aisle, I stood firmly, and he asked me bluntly: "What brings you here?"

That face! That expression he was wearing on his face, as if I was nobody in his past! Was Fubuki telling the truth? Oh God, please… _Don't make me smack him on his face._

"Perhaps to find the boy who owes me a promise," I told him, and he raised his left eyebrow.

"Some people make promises for the pleasure of breaking them," he said.

I felt like something just stabbed through my head. Did he really mean what he was saying? _Some people make promises for the pleasure of breaking them?_

"Perhaps to make sure if there's still a bit of Gouenji Shuuya in you," I said.

"He's dead and gone."

"How did he die? Didn't he have the pleasure of breaking his promise?"

He rubbed his forehead with his index finger and shifted his gaze off me. I knew it. He didn't have the answer. He wouldn't have the answer, because Goeunji Shuuya did not die. He is still alive! I could see the boy trapped in the very being that sat before me, begging to be freed!

I climbed up the steps that led to his throne and slowly sat on the floor, boldly resting my head on his lap with my hand on his knees. "Didn't you say that nothing between us will change?"

"That's what he said."

"I'm damn tired of waiting, Goeunji. I'm damn tired of crying… If you ever need me in your life, then let me know."

In the darkness that wrapped around me, in the silence that filled the empty spaces, I felt my eyes growing heavier and heavier and heavier… I felt a gentle stroke on my hair. I felt my hand being lifted by another hand, and a pair of soft lips brushed against the back of it followed by tiny droplets of tears.

_Every tear that you shed,_

_Leaves my wounds bleeding red._

* * *

**This is the only chance for you to do some light reading. Hey, it's not always that you get to see short chapters like this! **

**P/S: Do not hesitate to leave a review! Don't worry, I won't sue you for criticizing my work… **

**Thank you. Until next time, bye-bye!**


	8. Betrayal

**My notebook blew up! I'm not kidding. It did, and now I'm depending on my mother to show me her mercy and let me borrow her laptop. She's hardly in good mood, so… Expect slow updates! **

**There's a surprise at the end of the chapter. Do read until the end!**

* * *

**Seven**

**Betrayal**

* * *

_"The truth may hurt a little while, but a lie hurts forever." - Unknown_

I guess that pretty much explains Gouenji's sudden disappearance. After months of quarrels, slapping him in his face, slamming doors and tossing coins into the fountain (don't ask, I'm always superstitious when it comes to good lucks), I found out that he had his own reasons for doing so.

My reaction? I slapped him. You may think I just crossed the line, but put yourself in my shoes for a change! 'I have big responsibilities within Fifth Sector. As the Holy Emperor, I should avoid relationships at all costs,' said the man in super striking red suit!

I just hate this whole Fifth Sector thingy.

Thinking about it just gives me splitting headache… especially when I was told by Yuuka that those men from Fifth Sector was out for a hunt. Did I mention that they were hunting down Holy Emperor's mistress?

Yes, they were out to hunt me down after rumors about 'sightings of an unknown woman going out with Holy Emperor' spread all over the world through the internet, newspapers, magazines and blah, blah, blah.

I was in bloody danger! Everywhere I went, everyone will look at me as if I had just committed the biggest crime in history, and some unknown guys with large cameras along with woman with pens and notepads just won't stop pestering me with irrelevant questions as if I was some big-shot.

"Who are you to Holy Emperor?"

"How long have you been in a relationship with Ishido Shuuji?"

"Rumor has it that you're close to the Pro League star, Fubuki Shirou. How are you related to him?"

I could die in that stampede; I could die of brain freeze. As if things couldn't get worse, guess who came to the rescue?

"(Name) is merely an acquaintance of Ishido Shuuji," Fubuki said to the frenzied press. "Nothing more than that."

At the moment, I wished that what Fubuki said to them was true. I've said too many times that I've lost count of them already, that I didn't care about Gouenji if he decides to not give a damn about me anymore because Fubuki's here with me.

But the truth was… I lied.

I lied to myself. I lied to Fubuki; and I lied to you. Nothing made sense now. Nothing at all. Everything seemed to mix up, and my sense of judgment was shrouded by thick, black smoke.

I love him. I love Gouenji Shuuya more than anything, more than anyone else in this world.

I should've told Fubuki that he was not as important as the Holy Emperor, but that could've dragged myself into another issue. Gouenji Shuuya didn't want me in his life anymore, despite the fact that my heart was bleeding for forcing myself so hard to wipe him off my head.

If I let Fubuki down…

I'll be left alone.

To you, my faithful listener, who's reading this at the moment, this is my silent confession. I have never loved Fubuki Shirou.

All this while… I was just using him because I didn't want to be left alone.

I'm a bitch, aren't I?

"We understand the media's demands, but false speculations are to be avoided. Therefore, no further questions will be answered," Fubuki concluded and pulled me into his car.

I settled down in the passenger's seat, still trembling from the mixture of fear, rage and heartbreak. The man was sitting next to me… Didn't he realize that he was just a material to me?

I squeezed my eyes shut. Too much happened too fast. I could hardly catch up with the course of my life! I set Time's anger towards me again, after swearing an oath to cherish everything that I had been given!

But I spent his goodwill with betrayal, ignorance and selfishness. This is what I get; serve you right (Name)!

"(Name)," Fubuki said, snapping me back to the harsh reality as he pulled into the porch of his semi-detached house. "We need to talk about something… In private."

"I'm not in the mood."

Fubuki shifted his gaze off me, as if trying to compose himself from bursting out in tears. "It's okay. You can stay here, and we'll talk whenever you're ready to."

I sighed in desperation and got off the car. Great, here I was again, refusing to accept Time's goodwill when he gave me the chance to pour my aching heart out to Fubuki.

Fubuki brought me into the house, and I threw myself onto his couch as he locked the doors and windows with security codes that we both shared. Foxtrot, Yankee, India, 100, Tango. F-Y-I-1-0-0-T.

Why? It actually stands for 'Fuck You Ishido 100 Times', but of course, Fubuki didn't know about it.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Fubuki said, settling himself beside me.

"Gouenji's an ass," I told him. "He left me for some Fifth Sector responsibilities blah, blah, blah."

"I thought you've gotten over that, (Name)."

"I lied. I just wanted to feel better."

Fubuki shot me a dagger glare, and without knowing it myself, I was knocked off the couch, my whole body sprawled across the cold hard floor.

"That's exactly what I need to hear," Fubuki whispered into my ear. "Now I know that you've been using me, and it isn't just my feelings playing a trick on me."

"Fubuki…"

"I knew it all the way — my instincts are never wrong, (Name)," he said and chortled dryly but it soon became a maniacal laugh. "I should've known… I should've known that you've been using me!"

If there was only one thought crossing across my mind, it was nothing else but: Fubuki had lost his sanity, and I was in deep shit.

"Get off me!" I shouted as I struggled to break free from his tight hold. "Let me go, Fubuki!"

"Letting go of you is the worst mistake a man could ever do," he said, tightening his hold of my waist. "And I'm not gonna do that…"

My breath seemed to be stuck in my trachea. I didn't expect Fubuki would get the whole story by just saying, 'I lied. I just wanted to feel better.' Short, but Fubuki was fast enough to decipher the meaning behind it.

He dug into his pocket and pulled out what seemed like a ring. It had the exact size of my finger with a rose petal-shaped cut diamond on the platinum band. The metallic token of love glimmered gloriously; it was the most beautiful ring I've had ever seen in my whole life.

"W—What's this?" I asked, enticed by the glow that the ring possessed.

"No one is worthy enough to have you in their possession," Fubuki said. "Marry me. Be my wife, (Name)."

* * *

**Sorry for the depressing chapter… *sigh* After writing this, I was thinking, "Should I end this with Gouenji as your lover, or let you run away with Fubuki?" **

**Ahhhhh, ice or fire… It's your pick. LOL, no, I'm still gonna make the decision. **

**Anyway, *coughs*coughs* thanks FuyukoMiyatake for the consecutive reviews. You surely love me, don't you? **

**Thank you for the other reviewers too! Thank you, thank you like a million times! I know you love me tooooo, because I love you all! *trying to lighten up the mood***

**Ne, ne. My birthday's around the corner. *winks* Can I request a birthday fic?/kicked/**


	9. Tight Rope

**Italicized phrases are either your thoughts or flashbacks.  
**

* * *

**Eight**

**Tight Rope**

* * *

_"Then I thought, boy, isn't that just typical? You wait and wait and wait for something, and then when it happens, you feel sad." – Sharon Creech_

_._

Kaede, my stepmother flashed me the happiest, brightest toothy smile I'd ever seen as she and the rest of the young bridesmaids pinned the last pinkish peach-colored flowers and diamonds on top of my swapped-up hair.

She looked so pleased; her eyes glittered from the streams of sunlight that poured through the Monticello window; I wasn't sure if she was happy that I was finally giving her some space to be alone with father, or just wore that expression because it was the right thing to do.

"Done!" one of the bridesmaid cooed.

'Done', huh. Never thought a young bridesmaid could scare me off that much.

"You look amazing with flowers and diamonds, (Name)," Kaede said to me, rubbing my tensed shoulders.

Flowers and diamonds. I thought about the engagement ring Fubuki slipped into my finger the other day, which had a platinum band and a rose-shaped cut diamond adorned on the lower bezel, while six smaller ones aligned along the shank; three on the left, the other three on the right.

Is that how Fubuki thinks of me? Hard like diamond, yet soft like flower?

I rose, the sheer peach-colored heavy skirt brushed against my thigh, slightly tickling my sensitive skin. Its pastel color did a lot to complement my skin tone, and I glowed eye-blindingly bright like an angel—or that was how I thought I looked, at the very least.

I didn't know how to describe my feelings at the moment, the lacey neckline tickled against my torso, and I still can't get the marriage vow right. Tons of questions popped in my head like bursting fireworks, one of them being the most prominent: Was I even ready to become a wife?

"It's time," Kaede said.

It's time for me to let go of my girlhood; no more childish thoughts, no more failures in decision making, no more wasting the goodwill of time. It's like walking on a tight rope — keep your balance and go forth without falter. Simple rules, yet there'd be no guarantee that you won't have to face the risk of toppling down into the sea of fire below your feet.

Sea of fire, huh. Every phrase that circled through my mind seemed to have its own significance. It seemed to play again and again and again, as if refusing to leave the very being that was given a notice: 'You are now an adult woman'.

Honestly, I still wanted to be a little kid, curl behind the curtain and cup my ears to shrug off worldly demands. I was not ready to become a woman. Even so, I couldn't possibly shout it out because I was left with only two choices: keep my balance or topple down into the sea of fire.

_Sea of fire… Goeunji, what makes me think of you at this time?_

It bit the edge of my heart, stirring me as I made my way to the old man standing at the threshold of the aisle with his arm spread wide in my direction. He was there to take me by the arm, making sure that I would feel safe… until I had to part with him, and sway my way into another man's bosom. My heart beat fast; I was reluctant to go any further. I didn't want to leave my father, nor did I want to forget about the love of my life Gouenji Shuuya.

Fubuki stood firmly with the bearded robed preacher near the chancel, a dry smile curving across his tired face. What a fight we had before today came knocking on our door; I didn't know our relationship would be forced to end like this.

"Ready?" father asked, linking his arm with mine.

Instead of saying anything to the old man before me, I took a glance at the man standing at the end of the aisle. He sucked a gulp of air and tapped on his chest softly, as if making sure that his heart was still beating in place.

I lifted my gaze off Fubuki and examined the wrinkles on my father's face, but oddly enough, I couldn't really see them clearly. My sight started to get blurry as tears stung my eyes. _Stupid me, _I thought. _This is no time for regrets._

_"I want to be your wife," I whispered in his ear as he held my waist._

A flashback played at the back of my mind.

_ His eyes widened as he heard me, but he seemed to easily compose himself in a short period of time. He smiled weakly, caressing my cheek with his other hand. "You will… I promise."_

_ "Goodbye," I kissed the edge of his lips before he pulled me and kissed me fully on mine. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach; I had the same feeling just like the night I found him sleeping in my bed — a memory I'll cherish forever. _

I never thought it was the last time that I was going to feel his gentle touch on my skin. The goodbyes we exchanged were truly goodbyes, and I didn't—no—I wouldn't have the chance to see him again. All that was left of him was that bastard in red suit, who claimed his name to be Ishido Shuuji; a man who made promises for the pleasure of breaking them.

_He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head right under my jaw — I could feel his warm breath brushing against my chest. I realized that he hadn't had his shirt on and I couldn't help but to blush at the sight of him. _

_ "Gouenji…" I whispered as I stroke his spiky hair gently. "Why aren't you wearing your shirt? You'll catch cold."_

_ "And why aren't you?" he asked, somehow, sleepily. _

"Gouenji…" I whispered under my breath and father looked at me in awe, his wrinkles seemed to look more noticeable when he was nervous.

"Honey, it's your wedding ceremony," he said.

As I swallowed a gulp of air, trying to muster my strength from breaking my tears out, the organ started to play a song, and father brought me down the aisle.

"Father—I…" I said to him, stuttering. "I don't think I can make it. Father, bring me out of here."

"No regrets, honey," he said to me. "Keep your balance."

Father loosened his hold of my arm as we neared the chancel, and he eventually let go of it completely. I was always afraid that this time would come, when father would let his only daughter became another man's possession. The time that I was talking about… I was right in the middle of it.

I walked to Fubuki without father by my side and he gladly took my hand into his. "You took my breath away, sweetheart," he said, smiling nervously.

The preacher cleared his throat and looked at the people sitting calmly on the benches along the aisle. "We are gathered here today, on this happy and joyous occasion, to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony."

I felt tingling sensation on my nose as the preacher's voice echoed through the chapel. Tears, no matter how hard I tried to hold them back, eventually dropped from beneath my mascara-coated lashes.

"…it is not to be entered into lightly, as marriage is a sincere and mutual commitment to love one another. This commitment symbolizes the intimate sharing of two lives and still enhances the individuality of each of you," the preacher concluded and shifted his gaze to Fubuki.

I glanced at the man beside me and saw that he was taking a very deep breath. How I wish that it'd be Gouenji who I'll be exchanging vows with… Oh damn it!

_Wipe that nasty thought away,_ I thought and frowned.

"Groom, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"

"I, Fubuki Shirou, take you, (Name), to be my wedded wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness," he said and smiled to himself.

"And bride, do you take this man to be your wedded husband? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

All eyes started to focus on me as I nervously opened my mouth. "I—" I hesitated. "I, (Name)…"

Guests started to look at each other, exchanging whispers and death glares as I stuttered to finish my lines.

"Bride? Do you take this man to be your wedded husband?"

"I…" I said, more tears running down my cheeks. "I… I'm sorry Fubuki."

Fubuki shifted nervously as he looked at me with a pair of his widened eyes. "(Name)…" he said, taking a grasp on my arm. "(Name), what are you doing?"

"I'm sorry," I said, turning my heels towards the aisle.

Without looking back, I left him behind.

.

_"To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect." – Criss Jami_

* * *

***gasp* Did you just break the vow?! **

**Again, sorry for the depressing chapter. **

**And for those who stay from the beginning until now, you have my utmost gratitude.**

**PS: I see that there's been a debate of who you're gonna end up with… Ice vs. Fire, huh?**


	10. Temperance

**WARNING: RATED M for perverted scenes! **

**Just perverted scenes, no lemons. **

**Did I disappoint you?**

* * *

**Nine**

Temperance

* * *

_"It's funny how sometimes the people you'd take a bullet for, are the ones behind the trigger." – Unknown_

.

Like a curse sprouting inside of me, I had grown to be a pariah in the society. My name flaunted on newspapers, celebrity shows and magazines, all referring to me as 'She-Wolf' rather than mentioning my real name.

Bloggers and website developers spat cussing, and typed my name in bold, capital letters indicating the repugnance they felt whenever I crossed their minds.

I was indeed the bad egg.

But I've always knew what would befall as a result of my foolish decision. It would probably be better off this way. I wouldn't marry a man whose happiness I couldn't ensure. I wouldn't want to build up a family out of my lies and insincerity.

I wanted to be with Gouenji.

They say if he betrays you once, that is his fault. If he betrays you twice, that is your stupidity.

But I really am stupid.

Father wouldn't listen to me when I talked. And he wouldn't talk when I wanted to listen. Our communication was stuck in a rut, and I had no one else to pour my aching heart out, except for my stepmother, Kaede.

Yes, Kaede. The woman whom I believed to bring bad luck into our family. The woman who I once treated like an outcast…

God, now I believe in karma.

"Talk to him, sort things out," she advised. "After all you'd done to yourself just to be with him... How can he push you away?"

I hoped she was right.

"Go home and think about it."

Home. It was funny how she referred to my newly-owned apartment as my home. I moved out of the house when both me and father had a big fight and the place had been my temporary shelter ever since. Even so, I didn't even have a single thought of calling it home.

I locked myself behind the heavy oaken door of my apartment and leaned against it. Thinking about everything that happened lately left me dog-tired… All I wanted was to drink until my guts were pickled and sleep like the dead.

I stretched my neck and headed to the kitchen.

"Shiver me timbers!" I exclaimed, dropping my car keys onto the cold, hard floor.

_ Have I gone crazy? Am I… Hallucinating?_

Goeunji sat at the countertop; tapping on his mobile phone. He had that tight expression when he saw me coming into the kitchen to where he was comfortably sitting.

"How…" I bit my lower lip as I puckered both of my eyebrows. "How did you get in?"

He rested his elbow on the table and his head on his palm, still staring at me with his deep onyx eyes. "A fully-furnished house situated in the busiest part of the city… yet cheap down payment and low monthly installment… Doesn't that sound a bit fishy to you?"

"Everything seems fishy to me," I said.

"This is my house," he said.

"Shit," was my reaction.

I've always heard that Seitei Ishido Shuuji had countless properties all over Japan… but I've never thought that I was living in one. This was a hard situation for me.

"Did you… Stalk me or something?" I asked cynically, and he smirked.

"Bingo," he replied.

"You finally need me in your life, huh?"

"You can say that."

"Give me the spare keys, Goeunji," I said.

He embraced me in his arms and whispered into my ear, his breath tickling the crook of my neck. "You're amusing to no end, (Name)…"

I was bowled over at his sudden action. Could it be… the new perfume that I sprayed all over my clothes earlier? Goeunji was never this playful for the last few months… He was always so distant and cold as if he was having selective amnesia about his past with me.

He teased my inner thigh, and I let out a soft squeal against his chest. "S—Urgh—Stop teasing me."

For all I knew, he wouldn't stop. He slammed me onto the countertop and harshly crashed his lips against mine, his fingers snaking into the strings of my hair aggressively. The scent of his body almost drove me crazy… I felt the urge to work on the buttons of his white shirt.

My back arched as he nibbled and sucked on my tongue passionately, his hands then roamed under my shirt to tease my abdomen. He then flipped his tongue swiftly, circling mine in absolute delight, intensifying the heat that was getting to our bobbing bodies.

He was hell of a good kisser… I found myself begging for more. "Gouenji—um," I hummed his name between kisses. "Gouenji… Plea—Oh, please. Please!"

"Be patient, (Name)," he purred.

"I—can't! You monster—stop—teasing me—already!"

"Haste makes waste."

I clung onto his body and knocked him down onto the kitchen floor. "I've waited long enough!"

He moaned with pleasure as I grinded my thigh against his.

* * *

**Uh-oh… I shall stop here.**

**There's no telling how far my mind can get… **

**Don't bash me for putting up such scene! I just… Wanted (Name) to get what she had always longed for. **


	11. Erna

**Hullo. Been a while since I last updated. **

**First of all, I am truly sorry if I inserted some… Dirty things in my fics. Although I don't do this very often, I find that there are some who don't really… Fancy it. **

**But I can't say that I haven't given warnings. The rating itself says it all. **

* * *

**Ten**

Erna

* * *

_"__Stuck in a generation where loyalty is just a tattoo, love is just a quote and lying is the new truth." – Unknown_

_._

When he slanted over, I could not resist myself from pulling him closer. How I missed the sickly sweet smell that his red clothes gave off, probably from his cologne or fabric softener—I couldn't figure out.

"I'm sorry," he said between kisses. "I want you back, please."

I suppressed a smile. I just loved seeing him like that. I just loved seeing Ishido Shuuji begging like a puppy lost in a dark alley. It's not always that you can see the Holy Emperor like that…

Wanting to hear him pleading some more, I slipped myself off his embrace, however, our hands still linked together as if our fingers had locked us together. He smiled sweetly; his lips stretched across his flawless face in a playful, mischievous manner before pulling me into his embrace again.

We were so close that my nose brushed against his.

"Daddy?" a soft voice called, and both of us turned to a small, light-haired girl who stood near the kitchen countertop; her left hand on the high stool. "You said it won't be long. I'm bored..."

I blinked my eyes twice and looked at Gouenji questioningly. "Who…"

"I'm sorry honey," he said, holding the girl's small hand in his palm as he knelt down to level with her. "We'll go get ice-cream for you, how's that?"

"Big bowl?" she asked, smiling cutely.

I watched them with my hands clutching on my own tight jeans. I did not mishear the kid. She called Gouenji 'daddy', and he called the kid 'honey'. And when I took a closer look, the girl did resemble him… Apart from her fair skin and sincere smile.

"Big bowl," he said approvingly. "But before that, I want you to meet (Name)."

She looked at me with her shining, deep onyx eyes which sent shivers down my spine. They were the same, fiery eyes of Gouenji Shuuya.

"Hello," she said. "I'm Erna."

"Who is she?" I stood up from my stool, pursing my lips together as I waited for his answer. "Who is this girl?"

The girl gasped and hid behind him, clutching on his pants as if it would give her strength. "Daddy?" she asked nervously; her voice breaking. "Why is she angry?"

He pat the girl's head gently before looking at me again. Calmly, he said, "She is Erna. Gouenji Erna—my daughter."

"What the heck? You better not play games with me," I said, taking a few steps backwards. Instinctively, I reached for my handbag and shoved it to him, and he caught it before it landed on his face. "You're lying! This is a prank, isn't it? This is all a prank you played on me! You could've fooled me, Gouenji."

"(Name), calm down," he said, catching both of my wrists. "I could have, but I didn't."

I struggled in his hold. "Calm down? I can't! I just can't! I've waited for you—and you—you don't know what I've been through! I was hated, thrown away like an outcast! I suffered for years—I wanted to scream but everyone tells me to shut up! I can't tell people how I feel—I kept thinking about you, but you…"

Tears stung my eyes. _Why do I live on Earth today? Why didn't I die and go with the wind… Like Mom?_

"Damn it—let me go!" I said and stormed towards my bedroom. "I'll move out and have a new life somewhere else! Get your daughter a big bowl while I pack!"

I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't lose anymore tears. I'd wasted them away… for nothing!

Men! Why do they have to exist?

"(Name)," he said pleadingly. "I know it's hard. I won't ask you to forgive me if you don't want to—but—I need you to do me a favor."

I threw my clothes into the suitcase and sighed heavily. He's pulling me deeper into his twisted game…

"The girl…" he told me, crooking his eyebrows in grief. "Her mother died of cancer last spring and I—I couldn't be a good father alone. Erna needs a mother."

* * *

**No matter how many times you read this chapter, it's still the same. Gouenji's married and has a four years old daughter.**


	12. Stepmother

**What I had in mind for the past few weeks was, 'it can wait… it can wait', but when I saw those reviews from the guests, I couldn't help but to feel…**

**Happy. **

**I wouldn't expect anyone to follow this story, especially when it contains real heavy drama. It's kind of too sappy for me, and it's not really something I'm good at. **

**Thank you very much, guys. Now I feel pumped up to continue. **

* * *

**Eleven**

Stepmother

* * *

_"__A stepmother is more than just a mother. She had decided to love what she doesn't have to." – Unknown. _

_._

_Erna needs a mother,_ he said to me. It would be the biggest lie in history if I say I didn't have the slightest pity for the light-haired child. She was placid and lovely, being a daughter of a Japanese man and a woman from Germany. Erna is a German name; probably the female version of Ernust.

She wasn't, in any way at all, like me.

Over the argument me and Gouenji had, both of us had come to a conclusion where Erna could stay in with me while he goes out to work. He was hoping that I could get along with his daughter well… but he didn't say anything about marriage or such, despite the fact that he did mention about Erna needing a mother.

I could be Erna's mother, if she finds no problem with that, but I've always known how hard it is to put up with a stepmother. I've had enough of such experience when Dad married Kaede while I was not at all ready to accept an outsider in our household.

I hated her like hell, although someone came in and changed all of that.

"It's done!" Fubuki cooed, tossing the sweet pancake into a plate. He scored a bull's eye, and Erna cheered happily.

I sighed. Fubuki always came and saved the day.

I've burnt the dinner, and I had him come all the way to make us honey pancake.

I felt miserable, especially when I remembered the incident back then when I was still young and selfish. I used to scold my stepmother for burning my breakfast… and I guess I wasn't at all better than her.

"Bon appétit," Fubuki said and gave Erna's face a soft pinch.

To our surprise, the girl flinched as if in pain and shot off under the table like a scalded cat. Me and Fubuki looked at each other in awe; both of us having the same worried frown on our faces.

"Erna?" Fubuki said, approaching her. "You okay?"

"I'm—I'm sorry," she said. Her nose reddened as her eyes got watery. "It's painful."

"What's wrong?" I asked as I helped her to get up.

"It happens," she said weakly, settling herself on the high stool once again and spooned the remaining bits of her pancake.

Me and Fubuki exchanged glances again.

_It happens? _That was a strange remark.

"Don't be sad," she said, smiling. "It won't be very long until I'm fully healed! That is what my daddy says!"

_Healed? From what?_

I swallowed a gulp of air and stroke her light-colored hair. For some reason, I felt my chest getting tight. I pitied the little girl. She had always been so energetic… but I didn't know she was hiding something from us.

"Something's not right," Fubuki said to me quietly as the girl climbed on a small stool to wash her hands. "I saw bruises on both of her legs, just above her knees."

I took a deep breath. _Bruises? _

"(Name)-san," she called, approaching me. "I feel sleepy. Can I have a catnap?"

"S—sure," I said, leading her to my bedroom just opposite to the living hall. "Come."

_Gouenji couldn't be… Beating his daughter up, or could he? _No. He's not that kind of a man. He's not like that; I know him too well.

All I need was to demand an explanation from him.

* * *

**Heavy drama. I hope you don't feel like throwing up with all the sappiness. **


	13. Revealed

**Twelve**

Revealed

* * *

She wasn't my daughter; not my flesh and blood. All the troubles she had to face weren't my problem; nothing I should be worried about. But there was a part of me that wanted to hit Gouenji on his head and let him spill out that one thing I've been very curious about. What had he done to his daughter?

And I believed that part.

When he came around at midnight to fetch his daughter, I tugged on his sleeve and led him to the living hall. He seemed to be worn out from his work stuffs, but I reckoned that time would be the best out of the worst to confront him.

"Gouenji," I said as he threw himself on the recliner. "There's something that bugs me a lot…"

He loosened his collar and looked at me. "Is it about her?"

"Me—no," I told him. "Me and Fubuki—we both saw bruises on Erna's legs."

He swallowed a gulp of air and closed his eyes tightly, steadying his breath as if suppressing his anger and regrets.

"What happened?" I asked him persistently, but he turned away. "Gouenji, what happened to that girl?"

"Are you always this infuriating?"

"She looked so scared when we touched her! She said it won't be long until she's fully healed—but healed… from what?"

He hung his head low as he took a very deep breath, as if thinking very hard, as if bearing a heavy burden on his spine. "I couldn't be a good father. Not alone."

"You hit her, did you? That is the last thing I imagine you doing!"

"(Name)," he said, taking my hand into his. "I need you to understand me. I want you to—I want you to help me. I can't look after her like this."

"Gouenji… You…"

His hands shook uncontrollably. At the moment I felt like slapping him, but when I saw those tears at the edge of his eyes, I knew that he hadn't told me the whole story yet. He was hiding something from me.

I know this man. He isn't someone who cries easily.

"Leukemia," he said. "When I realized about it, it's already too late."

I fell on my bum, speechless. That happy face—even though she had lost a mother, that sincere smile—even though she was struggling inside. I broke out into tears.

That cheerful girl… Only now I realized. Bruises, joint pains, swelling of the face; they were all symptoms of leukemia. Not only those.

Her skin… It wasn't fair. She was pale.

"How long?" I asked, squeezing his hand. "How long will she last?"

His tears fell on the back of my hand, trailing down onto my lap. He looked as if he had lost his will to talk. "Not long," he croaked. "(Name), I'm a failure. I'm the worst father."

"Sure you are," a voice said, and both of us turned to Fubuki, who stood in the hallway with a strange smile carved across his face. "Sure you are, Gouenji. You are the worst father in history."

"Fubuki," I breathed nervously.

He couldn't be venting his anger on Gouenji now, could he?

"It's a wonder why (Name) is willing to wait so long for someone like you," he said, smirking before lifting his gaze up to me. "You're rejecting me for a failure, (Name)?"

"Fubuki, this isn't like you," I said. "He didn't ask for his daughter to be born that way."

"No, he didn't," he said, still smiling. "God whims, maybe? He took your wife and soon, your daughter. Maybe that's a price you have to pay for causing someone else's suffering, who knows?"

Gouenji stood up, leveling with Fubuki. "I couldn't deny my feelings towards (Name)," he said solemnly. "When I came back, the feelings become stronger than it had been before… but I was a married man. My father—"

Gouenji looked at me again, and put his hands on my shoulders. "My father disapproves of our relationship to begin with, (Name). I was forced to marry a girl I didn't know, but I was glad that she was… A very nice lady," he continued before his voice trailed off into a soft sob. "It's just that her time—had come. She left me a beautiful daughter—"

I pressed my lips together. All this while when he distanced himself away from me was because…

.

_I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.__— __Mother Teresa_


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